Welcome back to my adoption series featuring none other than my best friend Danica! Today she will be answering some questions she has received both about her adoption and adoption in general.
This post is just questions that people may have emailed me or that I have gotten in the past that may help others understand adoption better. I don’t mind talking about my adoption at all and I’m glad that you guys had some questions, seriously I’ve gotten some weird ones. My favorites are mostly, “Who do you call your parents?” or something like, “Are you and your brother born from the same mom and adopted into the same family?” Come on what are those chances….
Do you think that subconsciously you have ever had trouble being in committed relationships because you were adopted?
I don’t think I have the issue that some may deal with being ‘unwanted’. I was always raised to believe that my birth mom was UNSELFISH enough to give me up for adoption because she realized that she was not in a place in her life to support me and give me the ‘best life I could have’ I solemnly believe that giving up a baby for adoption must be one of the hardest things that a women may ever have to do but at the same time it in incredibly unselfish of her. I don’t think I have a problem committing because of abandonment because of my adoption at all. I can see how other people might have an issue if they were raised to believe that they were “unwanted” or “unloved.”
I’d like to know if you have any thoughts on why some people who are adopted feel that they MUST find their birth parents and others could go either way.
I know some people who want nothing to do with their birth parents and I completely understand that. With some people they might not be as open about their adoption but I think it has to be an individual choice. Some people are just curious about it, and just want to see what’s out there, like myself and other people wouldn’t even dare to think about that because of some feelings they might have towards them for how they were raised. I know there are some sites out there, but I think the best and most efficient way that I’ve found to start a search for them is through a private investigator. Some people may have the feeling of HAVING to find them for personal reasons. I think this is a ‘to each their own’ answer but everyone has different feelings about adoption.
Outside of the blog world, do you have trouble opening up to people about your true feelings about being adopted?
I honestly love talking about adoption and how I was adopted and how it is an option for people. Many people tell me well, I want to have ‘my own kids’ and sometimes that stings, but at the same time, I understand that. I am blessed to have the life I have and am forever grateful for my birth mom giving me the opportunity that I have now to be able to the live the life I have lived thus far. I really would love to advocate for adoption and think that it’s a great thing that many couples don’t take advantage of. I also think there is some kind of stigma that is associated with adoption, like you will get a drug baby, some baby with diseases or a homeless baby, which isn’t true. There is also a stigma that you can only adopt out of the country. I’m not saying that everyone should adopt, but I do think there needs to be more education available to those who are even considering it, because I feel like people just don’t know enough.
I would also just appreciate any general advice to people like me who are not adopted in how to better understand BFs and GFs who are adopted. I mean, as far as things you should say or ask about and things you shouldn’t say or ask about–if anything.
I think every case is different, both me and Shea have no problem discussing our adoption but at the same time I also know some people who it’s very personal and I feel like if the person wants to talk about it, they will. I know it’s hard to understand but at the same time, it’s all depends on how they were raised to view adoption and how much information they have. I wouldn’t mind any questions, but try to limit the ones that would have the possibility to hurt their feelings like, “Why didn’t your birth parents want you?” or, “Why were you given up for adoption?” and “Are you a crack baby?” (classic one) I would ask more feeling questions, like, “How does it make you feel that you are adopted?” or you can always just say that you think it’s cool. Don’t be scared to ask, because they might like to talk about it, but just make sure that they want to and don’t mind discussing it.
The Running Lamintor asks:
How should a parent begin the process of “telling” the child that he/she was adopted?
Personally, I think it’s best that the child adopted knows from birth, or there might be a feeling of ‘secrecy’ that could potentially hurt the relationship and family in the long term. If you are raising a child that is adopted, there is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF at all. God placed that child in your life for a reason, and it’s a blessing. I think that a child should know from the beginning and that it should be celebrated, not a weird secret. It definitely made me understand adoption and why I was adopted better.
Does being adopted ever make you feel different from other kids in terms of relationship with parents? If so, in what way?
I have never felt any different at all. I have always felt like we had a good relationship when I was growing up and to me, being adopted wasn’t weird because it was never treated like it was a weird thing.
Do you think if your parents had older birth children, you would have been adversely affected?
Honestly, I don’t know. I wonder about that too, and if I would have different feelings towards them, but with how I was raised and how everything worked out for me and my family I think even if they had older children it wouldn’t have bothered me.
I was just wondering about your birth mother and father. Do you talk to them? Stay in touch, etc?
Since I haven’t met them, I don’t talk to them but I would like to have some kind of relationship with them. I think it would be interesting to them to see what my life is like and I would love to know what they are like. I wonder if we would have the same sense of humor or look alike, I would love to come in contact with them.
Did your adoptive parents name you Danica or did your birth mother? Do you know why you were named that?
My dad actually named me Danica. My birth mom never named me, but in her honor I would love to name one of my children with her name because of the selfish thing she did for me. I was named Danica because my dad liked it. My dad named me and my mom named my brother, who was also adopted and was from another birth mom. Danica means morning star. I love my name and I honestly could do a whole post on how great unique names are.
What do your adoptive parents think of you looking/considering looking for your real parents?
When my mom was alive, she always told me that if I wanted to find them that she would have no problem with that and it would be interesting to see what they were like. She said when the time was right they would come up. I haven’t really had an in depth conversation with my dad about it, but I wouldn’t think that he would have an issue with it either. My parents were always open about my birth parents and I know that they know I wouldn’t be going out to find them for the wrong reasons.
Would you consider adopting a child?
Yes! I would. I think it would be great, it just depends on whatever God wants for me and my husband.
And that's it! We have made it to the end of Danica's Adoption Story. I can't thank her enough for sharing it with us. Don't forget to check out her blog, to learn a little more about her.